THE PHANTOM OF THE WORKSHOP

Some time ago, on another forum, there was a discussion about how you could do a BMFM version of the novel/film/musical etc The Phantom of the Opera.  Well, I've bitten the bullet and done it!  It's closely based on the Andrew Lloyd-Webber musical, although with (sometimes heavily) altered lyrics to suit to setting, as well as BM characters replacing the originals, and the action moved to Mars in the early 1990s.  I've had to use three fan characters (Torque, Kickstart and Flintlock as Firmin, Andre and Buquet respectively).  Many characters have been twisted to a greater or lesser extent to make them fit - Carbine, for example, is more mechanically minded.  Some songs/scenes have been cropped out of necessity, but if you know the show you should still be able to follow it; it you don't then you won't know what's missing!  You'll have have to think of this as an alt-universe version (well it must be - the bros can sing!)  Below is a list of characters with their original equivalents:

Dramatis Personae:
The Phantom… Vinnie
Christine… Harley
Raoul… Stoker
Madame Giry… Modo
Meg Giry… Rimfire
Carlotta… Carbine
Piangi… Throttle
Monsier Firman… Torque
Monsieur Andre… Kickstart
Joseph Buquet… Flintlock
Auctioneer… Sweet Georgie Brown

(General layout, libretto rhythms etc and some lyrics copyright Andrew Lloyd-Webber/Charles Hart and the Really Useful Group; no infringment intended)

Below is the Prologue, and Act 1 Scenes 1 - 4

***

The action takes place in and around The Monastery, Mars, c. 1990

PROLOGUE.
[We see a darkened, run-down motorcycle workshop. Abandoned spare parts, tools etc. On a table stands an old radio. Suddenly it crackles into life, and the voice of SWEET GEORGIE BROWN can be heard emanating from its speakers]

SWEET GEORGIE BROWN:
Hey there, boys and girls, welcome back to the show… have we got some music for you tonight! Some of you may remember the strange case of the Phantom of the Workshop, a seriously weird mystery never fully explained. I’m told, guys, that this is the true story of what really happened. Perhaps the ghosts of so long ago can get some new life with a little… hard rock!

OVERTURE leading into ACT 1, SCENE 1.
[Under the music, assorted FREEDOM FIGHTERS enter the workshop. Suddenly we are taken back to when it was an operational base. Amongst the crowds HARLEY, RIMFIRE, THROTTLE and MODO. Taking centre stage is CARBINE. She holds up the computer hard drive from a Plutarkian Stingray]

CARBINE:
See this trophy from our saviours from Plutark’s evil fish!

FREEDOM FIGHTERS:
With feasting and dancing and song,
Join Mars in celebration
Our Cave Mouse righters of wrong,
Returned to bring salvation!

The trumpets of Mars shall resound,
Hear Plutark, now, and tremble!
Our bikers shall regain our ground,
Hear the drums!
Our warriors come!

[Enter TORQUE and KICKSTART, wheeling in their rather battered bikes]

TORQUE:
Ladies and gentlemice; for some time now, I and my troops have been out in the Martian desert, carrying out raids against the Plutarkians. We have now returned, and hope for a brief period of rest to plan our new assaults. I see that in our absence, some changes to the staff have occurred.

KICKSTART:
Modo, would you care to introduce this stout young fellow?

MODO:
This is Rimfire, sir. My nephew.

TORQUE:
Indeed? And the young lady next to him?

MODO:
Harley, Commander. A promising young mechanic; very promising.

[CARBINE makes her presence felt. Clearly she is irritated at being overlooked]

TORQUE:
General Carbine! Of course. I trust all is well here at headquarters?

CARBINE:
As well as can be expected.

KICKSTART [Eager to placate her]:
General, our bikes need a serious overhaul; we would prefer it if so delicate a task was overseen by you in person; we would rather not trust it to someone less qualified.

CARBINE [Somewhat mollified]:
If you wish.

[She moves over to the bikes, starting to repair them]

CARBINE:
Motorbikes, transport of Martians,
Chariots of fire.
Metal steeds, heralds of vict’ry
To which we all aspire…
Soldiers brave, our Martian home to save,
Sing as you ride into the fight…

[As CARBINE works, suddenly a laser cannon falls from above, narrowly missing her]

FREEDOM FIGHTERS:
The Phantom of the Workshop!
He is with us, it’s the ghost…

[THROTTLE rushes over to CARBINE, looking up at the (offstage) sentry post]

THROTTLE:
You idiots! Carbine! Carbine! Are you hurt?

TORQUE:
Sentry! What in the name of the gods are you doing up there?!

[Enter FLINTLOCK]

FLINTLOCK:
Please, General,
Don’t look at me:
By the gods, I was not at my post.
Please, General,
There’s no-one there –
And if there is then… it must be a ghost!

RIMFIRE:
He’s there; the Phantom of the Workshop!

KICKSTART:
By Phobos, won’t you show a little courtesy!

TORQUE:
General, please…

KICKSTART:
These things do happen…

CARBINE:
Yes, these things do happen! Well, until someone stops these things from happening, this thing [she indicates the bikes] does not happen! [She flounces out, THROTTLE hurrying after her. As he goes he fires off one last shot:]

THROTTLE:
Amateurs!

KICKSTART:
General Carbine will be back.

MODO:
You think? I have a note, sir, from the Workshop Ghost.

TORQUE:
Gods, you’re all obsessed!

MODO:
He welcomes you back to The Monastery, commands you to continue to leave Lookout Five empty for his use, and reminds you that his salary is due.

KICKSTART:
His salary? Outrageous! We are expected to lay out money on some mythical spirit, which we can ill-afford now that we will doubtless have to pay for a civilian mechanic to repair our bikes!

RIMFIRE:
Harley could mend them for you, sir.

TORQUE:
A trainee?!

RIMFIRE:
She’s been taking lessons from a great teacher.

KICKSTART:
From who?

HARLEY [Uneasily]:
I… don’t know, sir.

TORQUE:
Oh, not you as well! [To KICKSTART] Can you believe it? A fresh attack being planned, and our bikes are out of action. This could disastrously delay our operations!

MODO:
Let her mend them for you, sir. She has been well trained.

[TORQUE shrugs, resigned, and HARLEY hesitantly sets to work]

HARLEY:
Motorbikes, transport of Martians,
Chariots of fire.
Metal steeds, heralds of vict’ry
To which we all aspire.
Soldiers brave, our Martian home to save,
Sing as you ride into the fight,
Remember that we’re free as long as hope burns bright.

Think of how your engines rend the sky,
Don’t think about those friends who had to die.

Racing wheels, bright blazing cannons,
Blast the foe with flame,
Scorching speed, thundering horsepower
Bring you to your fame.
Bikers bold, the heirs of glories old
Your motorcycles are your might,
Mice so brave you ride forth bearing freedom’s light!

[And the bikes are good as new. As HARLEY is congratulated, STOKER, unnoticed has entered at one side]

STOKER:
Can it be? Can it be Harley?
What a change! You’re really not at all
The gawkish mouse that once you were.
She may not remember me,
But I remember her…

HARLEY:
Soldiers brave, our Martian home to save,
Sing as you ride into the fight,
Remember that we’re free as long as hope burns bright.

SCENE 2.
[The workshop, later. HARLEY is alone as RIMFIRE comes looking for her]

RIMFIRE:
Harley! Harley!

PHANTOM’S VOICE [faintly, offstage]:
Harley…

[HARLEY turns, bewildered by the mysterious voice, but sees only RIMFIRE]

RIMFIRE:
Where in the world have you been hiding?
Harley, you were perfect.
I only wish I knew your secret.
Who is this new tutor?

HARLEY:
Father once spoke of an angel,
I used to dream he’d appear,
Now as I work I can sense him,
And I know he’s here.
Here in this room, he calls me softly,
Somewhere inside, hiding.
Somehow I know he’s always with me,
He, the unseen mechanic.

RIMFIRE:
Harley, you must be day-dreaming,
Stories like this can’t come true.
Harley, you’re talking in riddles,
And it’s not like you!

HARLEY:
Angel of Bikers,
Guide and guardian!
Grant to me your glory!

RIMFIRE:
Who is this angel, this…

BOTH:
…Angel of Bikers,
Hide no longer!
Secret and strange Angel.

HARLEY:
He’s with me even now…

RIMFIRE:
Your hands are cold…

HARLEY:
All around me…

RIMFIRE:
Your fur, it stands on end…

HARLEY:
It frightens me…

RIMFIRE:
Don’t be frightened…

[The moment of tension is broken by the entry of MODO]

MODO:
Rimfire, are you a Freedom Fighter? Then come and practice your sharpshooting. [He ushers RIMFIRE away, then hands HARLEY a note]. I was asked to give you this. [MODO starts to leave, but pauses to reassure the young mechanic:] You did well today. He will be pleased. [Exits].

[HARLEY reads the note, puzzled]

HARLEY:
Tharsis Rise… Pink Seed… Little Blue Eyes…?

[STOKER has entered, unseen]

STOKER:
Mechanic Harley, where are your flowers?

HARLEY:
Sir?

STOKER:
You can’t have let them wither, after all the trouble I went to in finding them.

HARLEY:
You found some Pink Seed growing in a crevice on Tharsis Rise! Stoker, you’re back! [They embrace]

STOKER:
I’ve been away so long, searching Mars for recruits. But, Little Blue Eyes, now I have come back to you! And I hear great things about you – quite the star!

HARLEY:
Stoker, while you were away something wonderful happened. Father said, “When I have died and gone to the Underworld, I will send the Angel of Bikers to watch over you”. Well, Stoker, my father is dead, and I have been visited by the Angel!

STOKER:
Of course you have. And now – we’ll go out to dinner. How about the Officer’s Mess?

HARLEY:
Oh no, Stoker, I must stay here to practice. The Angel is very strict.

STOKER:
Nonsense! You must be starving, Harley, and I shan’t keep you away for long.

HARLEY:
No, Stoker…

STOKER:
You must clean that oil off, and I need to change. Ten minutes – Little Blue Eyes…

[He hurries off]

HARLEY:
Stoker! [But he is gone] Things have changed, Stoker…

[Suddenly the workshop takes on an oppressive atmosphere. From out of nowhere – or everywhere – comes the PHANTOM’S VOICE, furious]

PHANTOM’S VOICE:
Insolent mouse! This ageing general.
Basking in your glory!
Ignorant fool! This brazen suitor,
Sharing in my triumph!

HARLEY:
Angel, I hear you, speak, I listen.
Stay by my side, guide me.
Angel, my soul was weak, forgive me.
Enter at last, Master.

PHANTOM’S VOICE:
Flattering mouse, you shall know me,
See why in shadow I hide
Look to your tools when you seek me,
I am there to find!

[A rack of tools slides back. A blaze of white light, silhouetted against it the figure of the PHANTOM can be discerned. HARLEY approaches, lost in an ecstatic trance].

HARLEY:
Angel of Bikers,
Guide and guardian,
Grant to me your glory!
Angel of Bikers,
Hide no longer,
Come to me strange Angel!

PHANTOM:
I am your Angel, come to me, Angel of Bikers!

[He takes HARLEY by the wrist and leads her forward. STOKER arrives, but pauses at the threshold, not going in, puzzled by the strange voices]

PHANTOM:
I am your Angel of Bikers, come to me, Angel of Bikers!
[He pulls HARLEY through the secret door, and the tool rack slides back. STOKER enters – too late! – to find the workshop bafflingly empty].

STOKER:
Harley! Angel!

SCENE 3.
[The Monastery Catacombs. The PHANTOM leads HARLEY through the gloom, lighting their way with a flare]

HARLEY:
At night he came to me, to stake his claim.
That voice which calls to me, and speaks my name.
But are my eyes deceived? For now I find
The Phantom of the Workshop is here, inside my mind!

PHANTOM:
Work once again with me, to hone your skill,
My power over you grows stronger still.
Mechanics of the night, our fates entwined!
The Phantom of the Workshop is there, inside your mind!

HARLEY:
Those who have seen your face draw back and flee,
I am the mask you wear…

PHANTOM:
You set me free…

BOTH:
My/Your toolbox and your/my skill in one combined!
The Phantom of the Workshop is there, inside my/your mind!

PHANTOM:
In all your fantasies, you always knew,
That mouse and mystery…

HARLEY:
Were both in you.

BOTH:
And in these catacombs, where night is blind…
The Phantom of the Workshop is here, inside your/my mind!

SCENE 4.
[The PHANTOM’S lair. Tools, workbenches, weapons etc lie around. Dominating it all is a big red racing bike, incomplete].

PHANTOM:
I have brought you, to the scene of a biker’s bliss,
To the seat of the glory of motorcycles… of motorcycles…

You have come here for one purpose and one alone!
Since the moment I first saw you work
I have needed you with me to serve me, to work on my motorcycles… my motorcycles…

[Changing mood]

Wheels and gears and tyres, tubes and bearings,
Oil seals, levers, body parts and fairings…
Perfect in each case, fits in its allotted place…

Slowly, gently, lost in concentration,
Plan it, build it, savour your creation.
Turn your face away from the dull and workaday,
Let your imagination take to flight,
Join me as mechanic of the night.

Close your eyes and surrender to your dark desires,
Purge all thoughts of the life you knew before!
In your mind’s ear hear how the engines roar!
And you’ll live as you’ve never lived before.

Chains and sprockets, mirrors, forks and steering,
Each part forming, in your mind appearing.
As we build each section, we reach out to perfection,
The knowledge like a torch that burns so bright,
Guiding the mechanic of the night.

With your spirit for blueprints and your mind your tools,
This is work as you’ve never done before.
On your soul’s broad plains let your heart ride free!
Only then can you belong to me…

Cables, filters, fuel, exhausts and cooling,
Skills and knowledge, mechanisms ruling.
Let the dream begin, let your darker side give in,
Grasp the future that you know is yours by right,
And so become mechanic of the night.

[During all this, HARLEY, entranced and confused, has been conditioned to this strange world and the PHANTOM’S seductive tones. Ultimately, however, it is too much for her, and the PHANTOM catches her as she swoons, overcome. He carries her to a bed, and lays her down gently].

PHANTOM:
You alone can lead me to the light…
Mend my soul, mechanic of the night…

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