I guess a part of me was hoping against hope something would have been different. I know I've grown and become more than I was seven years ago when our paths last crossed face to face. I just wish my ex, the father of the son I had and no longer have custody of, could have grown as well, seeing as he's seen war and come face to face with Death.
He was here for a few days as we both have had... issues... to take care of with another who we could trust, and it was like old times. We laughed, we had lots of snuggle time (I'll let you add in here) and we even played FF7, the same as we used to. We caught up on what had been happening and what we have gone through over the years, and I was happy. But some things can't be. And it kills me.
I am Pagan, Lokean to be specific, and he's some form of fundamentalist Baptist. Even though I have grown to be insanely tolerant of other beliefs, he still can't accept mine. Nor can he show strength of character and stand up against the ill wishes of his family and defend me against them, who hate me for whatever reasons they have. It may be my religion, it may be they think I'm a gold-digger, it may be because I do stand up for myself and try very hard to straighten out preconceived misconceptions with fact. I am hated, yet all I want is to love like I love, fully and without restriction. Why is it the daughter of Loki can be more loving, more forgiving, and more upstanding, yet be so vilified?
I'm beginning to think that the idea of real love is lost to me. I can give it, but even when it's returned, there's some things that they just can't be.
**hugnoms Torama** I hope so too... Getting too old to keep seeking. When people I thought would never get married are married with the obligatory 2.5 parasites nipping at their ankles, it both angers me and depresses me. Now, you find me a Krauser or a Modo, I'd be the happiest critter on two legs! XD I still won't give up my beliefs though... ^^;
It's just a very ironic situation when I, as a true-Chosen of Loki, am far better at being a Xtian than those that follow that path. Most of my friends are like him, following along blindly and being pew-warmers at best. I go through life being wickedly honest but always trying to help, even if the ones I reach out to don't like what they hear. And for true-Chosen, He Chooses you, not the other way around, and He's been mucking around in my life, dropping the Catastrophic Change nukes on a regular basis for pretty much all my life. He really loves me... ^^;
I needed to get that off my chest. If I opened my yap on FB, that would have started yet another war with people and right now, it's not something I want to deal with. I just hope this guy wakes up enough to truly realize what he's doing where his beliefs are concerned is the fast track to Hela's domain, and She's not known for always being kind...
It only works if both partners are:
1/ of the same religious persuasion
2/ one is inactive or more relaxed than the other about their religious practices
3/ both partners are completely open-minded about the other's worship of their chosen deity and don't push it on the other.
I'm sorry that he doesn't have the courage within himself to open up to everything that is so wonderful about you, and like Tor, i do believe you'll find the partner that most compliments everything about you. Please never change, the world would be a worse place without your pure soul brightening it!
As for everyone else hooking up and popping out the nuclear family....blah! so many people are losing their grip on their relationships it's scary.
I guess that's why I love Tor's family so much. there's no normal...there's just them. And i think that's what i love about you. There's just you...and that's perfect!
TY Tre, I don't plan on changing that which is intrinsic to me, not for anyone. Love me, you love ALL of me. Warts and all. Besides, Loki works very oddly around me. Even when things turn sour for me, those close to me suddenly find a rash of odd fortune. My friend (last real bf) Daniel not only found a good job after we broke up and I moved out, he found out why he hadn't heard from other companies he was more than qualified for... Seems that Uni at Buffalo 'lost' all of his transcripts for all five of his degrees, one of which was a Masters. A year and a half and not a blip on the job radar, and two weeks after I leave, he has a job that he finds he rather enjoys... Wish MY luck was so good... ^^; If I can make things right for others, why should I change?
Tell me about it. I just found out one of the guards that was at my site for a while's suddenly getting divorced. It's rather wrenching, seeing as they have two children under school age. But for whatever reason, she was the unfaithful one, and he's a good man. Too religious for my taste, but still a good person, reliable and steady. When I see that, I have to look again at my stance on long-term matches, but it's still something that I wish for. I'm flexible enough in day to day issues to be a good mate, I got my straying bit out of my system YEARS ago and learned from it (trouble of epic proportions follows in its wake) so I'm good to settle down. I want a partner that IS a partner, someone to boost me when I start to fall, who won't laugh at me when I get some mad idea in my head, and understands there are days I need to be left alone and there are things I have to do. I'm more than happy to reciprocate, but so far, no luck. The last guy to show me interest laughed at a lot of the things I've mentioned, like proving to ME that I'm worth something, and that got under my skin pretty good. I don't take being laughed at very well, but at least I don't respond by jacking the laughers into walls anymore. ^^;
Chaos and confusion doesn't sound that out of character for Loki ;)
He loves Chaos and Confusion, but so long as He knows the reasoning for it. And He's got MANY reasons for any one thing He does... ^^;
That need to prove yourself i believe is an essential part of you. From what i recall, you've suffered a lot of demoralising from your male parent-unit on your drawing talents and aspirations. This lack of support in an area you are truly passionate about has probably leaked into many aspects of your life.
I'm just glad your natural inner warrior doesn't let you give up on yourself.
You're not the sort of person who relies on luck. You forge your own way! which is just so awesome.
That loneliness sucks balls but at the same time, i'm glad you're not rushing to just hook up with some loser. you are far too precious for that.
The need to prove myself comes from both 'rental units... We had to compete against their friends' kids for approval and always heard about how talented and successful and etc any time they found fault with us (namely myself). It's why I don't deal with the surviving 'rent or the VAST majority of the family anymore. I'm me, so deal with it. ^^;
I'm not allowed to give up. So long as a handful of people still breathe, so must I, just to piss them off... XD
I try to forge my own way. Hell, with the latest hare-brained idea I have, I'll have no choice but to forge my own path. I have to prove to myself I can do something miniscule yet profound, even if it's just to alter my own perception. If I can pull this thing off, I'll let y'all know the madness before I go ahead with it. It is rather mad... ^^;
I need someone worthy of me, who I think I can aspire to be worthy of, if that makes sense? It barely is sensical in my own head... ^^;
THAT'S OUR GIRL!
Shaolin Webmonkey
By my observation, fundies of any sort appear to operate on domination/submission (and other such binary metaphors), so it'll be hard work for him to have strength of character and stand up against his family/religion/etc never mind show it as all that would have been beaten out of him (literally or figuratively) for his entire life.
It doesn't matter that you appear to embody everything that Jesus stood for, they are going to hate you because you choose to continue "worshipping a false god" and a "demon" at that (I think Lord Loki is amused) than going along with what they have decreed is good and right and true (or more importantly, doing what they say when they say how they say it because they are RIGHT and everyone else is wrong because they just are).
There's 7 billion people on the planet. If the perfect person that is everything you want and everything you need is 1 in a million there's 5 more just in New South Wales. Statistically there is at least one person who will be exactly who you're looking for, and I hope you find them :)
"You ride the waves and don't ask where they go."